Wit Beyond Measure Is Man's Greatest Weapon
by TheGoldman
Summary: A crazy one-shot. Death Eaters attack the Rookery.


Wit Beyond Measure Is Man's Greatest Weapon

Or, Why Death Eaters Never Attacked The Lovegoods

An AU ficlet, starring Kingsley Shacklebolt as our intrepid hero, rushing to the aid of those in danger with the aid his partner Connie Hammer!

Also starring Xenophilius Lovegood, and his feisty daughter Luna!

With a guest appearance from Bill Weasley!

-.-.-

"Reports of spellfire at the Quibbler main offices!"

"The Dark Mark's been sighted!"

"Where?"

"Ottery St Catchpole, The Rookery!"

"Their floo's shut down!"

"Get Arthur Weasley on the floo, ask his permission to send men through the Burrow so they can get to the Rookery in time!"

"Team One, gear up!"

"Weasley says you can go, his wife's on the other end of the floo! His son will be joining you there!"

"Which son?"

"The Gringotts Cursebreaker, he can help bring down the wards the Death Eaters will have thrown up!"

"Let's go, Team One! First priority is to get the Lovegoods to safety! Only residents should be Xenophilius Lovegood, and his teenage daughter!"

-.-.-

Kingsley Shacklebolt was the first of the Aurors to leap through the floo to the Burrow. Not wasting any time, he immediately cleared the way, heading out through the door while nodding curtly to Molly Weasley. He didn't have time for small talk.

"Bill." He nodded in greeting as the cursebreaker walked over, broom in hand. "Good thinking to pick up your broom." Kingsley said, as he pulled his own from a pouch in his robes. "How far is the Rookery?"

"Fifteen minutes walk, should be about five minutes on a decent broom." Bill answered quickly, knowing there was no time to waste. "I've borrowed my sister's broom, it's the best one we have for speed."

"Stay out of combat, Bill." Kingsley warned. "Focus on bringing down any wards they raise."

"Let's go." Kingsley said, as the rest of his team filed out of the Burrow's kitchen. The five Aurors and the cursebreaker all mounted their brooms, flying in a V formation. Every second could be another second of torture for the Lovegoods.

Graham Prewett, the youngest Auror on Kingsley's team, was the first to see the Rookery. "Shack ... I can see bodies out front." He called out, and Kingsley grimaced.

"How many?"

Graham squinted. "At least three. I can't see any spells flying, so it looks like the battle's over."

Kingsley swore under his breath, speeding up on his broom. Xenophilius Lovegood was an eccentric old man, but he was harmless, everyone knew that. He'd likely been targeted because of the support his family had given to Harry Potter, and Luna Lovegood's presence at the Department of Mysteries. They didn't deserve to be slaughtered by Death Eaters.

The group landed next to a large apple tree, stowing their brooms and drawing their wands. Kingsley immediately began barking out orders.

"Jones, Wood, I want you two to get back on your brooms and provide aerial support. Hammer and I will go in under Disillusionment Charms. Prewett, you'll guard Weasley while he takes down the wards."

"Err ... Kingsley?" Bill called out. "The wards here are unusual. They're all very old wards, there's no sign of any wards having been put up by the Death Eaters."

"No wards?" Kingsley raised an eyebrow. Death Eaters always left the wards up after a raid, since it made it harder for the Aurors to investigate. If there were no wards ... it meant something. A message, perhaps? Deciding to worry about it later, he continued to speak. "In that case, Weasley will replace Wood on a broom. Wood and Prewett, you'll establish a ground perimeter. Take down any hostile that tries to escape, and provide support if the Lovegoods show up."

Kingsley quickly cast the Disillusionment Charm over himself, as did his partner Connie Hammer. The two moved quietly but quickly towards the house, while activating the charm on their hoods that allowed them to see through each other's Disillusionment Charms.

Hammer reached the bodies first, and rolled them over. All three were wearing the black robes and silver masks of the Death Eaters, and when she rolled their sleeves up, the Dark Mark was clearly visible.

"Looks like Lovegood managed to do some damage." Connie whispered. "But where are they?"

Kingsley shrugged, not wanting to risk being heard, and gestured for Connie to follow him. He led them towards the front door, stopping to glance at the signs. There were four of them, and Kingsley read them all. 'The Quibbler. Editor: X. Lovegood.' 'Pick your own Mistletoe.' 'Keep off the Dirigible Plums.' The fourth, which looked as though it had been put up very recently, read, 'Free Plimpy Soup, 2 sickles a skull.'

Kingsley sent a non-verbal Banishing Charm at the door, pushing it open and rolling inside, wand coming up to cover himself as Connie followed him through the door. As he looked at the scene before him, he wondered if he hadn't been hit by an Insanity Curse.

Xenophilius Lovegood was sat calmly atop a pile of bodies, all of whom were wearing Death Eater robes. He held in one hand the severed head of one of the Death Eaters, and seemed to be talking to it.

"Alas, poor Yorick Yaxley. I knew him, Horatio."

At the other end of the dinner table, Luna Lovegood was lying back in an armchair, holding a small bowl of pudding. Her wand was tucked behind her ear, and her feet were resting on another pile of Death Eaters.

"Silly father, Horatio's gone out for the day. You sent him out with a letter, remember? You can borrow Sheogorath if you really need to send another letter."

"Of course, pudding, how forgetful of me." Xenophilius said, before looking back at the skull. "Alas, poor Yorick. I knew him, Sheogorath. Did you know him, Mr Shacklebolt?"

Kingsley raised his eyebrows in shock. He was still Disillusioned, and there was no way that Xenophilius could have seen him. He removed the Disillusionment, and stepped forward, hand outstretched.

"Mr Lovegood, I'm Auror Shacklebolt. We received reports of a Death Eater attack."

"Is that who these people have Confunded you into thinking they were?" Xenophilius asked, before sighing sympathetically. "No, these people are clearly operatives of the Rotfang Conspiracy." He threw Yaxley's head over to Kingsley, who caught it on instinct, before dropping it when he realised exactly what he was holding. "His teeth are rotten to the core, a sure sign that he is a minion of the Rotfangs. He was clearly sent here to silence us, knowing that we are the leaders of the resistance against the Rotfang Conspiracy's plan to take over the world."

Kingsley was taken aback. Never before had he had such an unusual conversation. "Mr Lovegood, we need to remove the bodies from your house, and get them down to the Ministry morgue so their death certificates can be filed, and their heirs notified."

"By all means, do so." Xenophilius said, waving a hand absently. "Be sure you collect all sixteen of them, though. We don't want the Rotfangs to rot here." Luna laughed at his joke, but Kingsley didn't say anything. He was too focused on the number of Death Eaters that Xenophilius and Luna had killed.

Sixteen! Through the history of the first War with Voldemort, the Death Eaters had operated in teams of eight, including an Inner Circle member. For Xenophilius to have taken down two such teams, including Yaxley, who he knew had pled Imperius after the last war ... his skill with a wand must be incredible. He only knew of one occasion where more Death Eaters had been subdued, and that had been a battle during the first War where Dumbledore, the Potters, Sirius Black, Remus Lupin and Alastor Moody had all worked together to bring in twenty Death Eaters. To bring down sixteen, with only the support of an underage witch ... it was inconceivable.

Kingsley wordlessly walked out of the bizarre house, resisting the urge to pinch himself to make sure he wasn't dreaming. He mentally vowed never to cross the Lovegoods, if this was the level of havoc they were capable of wreaking.

-.-.-

AN: Well, this is a crazy one-shot! I started writing it on Tuesday night at 2am, so my sleep-deprived mind is to blame. The "Alas, poor Yorick" line is obviously from Shakespeare's Hamlet. And yes, Luna's owl is named after the Daedric Prince of Madness.H


End file.
